Love and Death. Well, death anyway...

ok. Now that we understand the ground rules, let's get in.



First, i have to warn you that i'm a little out of sync, since i got bumped today from my flight to Hong Kong, and after spending 5 hours at the airport (which i live 20 minutes from) i'm back home again till tomrrow, my luggage still there, with tickets to take an identical route. so i feel a bit like i'm in the Chronicles of Riddick, with my life going on without me, and i have to catch it, and jump back in, and the images will gel together again, and i'll switch from black and white back to color.

Anyway.... let's talk about love.

I mean why not? Love and death, right?

"The only two things that could interest an intelligent mind," according to Yeates.

The two things from which everyone might run, but no one can hide. I know, it sounds a bit like poetry. In fact, it *is* poetry. Which i happen to hate. So its hateful poetry. Written to sound bad, on *purpose*.

Another story. On to death.

I'm reading Julian Barnes' new book "Nothing to Be Frightened Of", which is, as you might surmise from the title, about the end (and yes, i split that infinitive on purpose). And if you have a chance, you probably should read it. i've spent thousands and thousands of dollars on therapy over the years. I've been suicidal since i was eight years old. and finally, i found someone who thinks about death with as much humor and horror (more existential than Gothic) as i do, and certainly whom has more literary depth to bring it to life, pun very much intended. really. the book is, in some ways, beginning to finally edge out my *own* fear of death. well, not edge out; more make bearable. that's his point.

you never get over the fear of death.

in fact, he points out that those (of us) whom have finally managed to "look over the edge" and realize, with as full a sense of awareness as is possible (since we cannot really imagine it), that we will NOT exist at some point, probably much sooner than we expected, certainly than we hoped, are of a group. even if you've only done it once. Because if you have done it, it changes you. Forever. You now occupy a mental space that others do not.

in fact, it's sort of a club. for me (and for him, since the major thread of the book is dealing with his) the loss of one's parents is also this type of 'group'. if you have, you understand. if you have not (yet) then you can't possibly understand. sorry.

it's like being gay. you can even fuck a few boys (or girls, but i'm a boy) but unless you're gay, there's some things you just won't get. i'm not gay, so i know that i don't know (nod to Donald Rummsfeld here). and i haven't lost my parents, yet, but they're getting there, my mother is becoming senile and my father is getting his last lupron shot from his prostate cancer treatment.


what is somewhat sobering, however, is realizing that those who see death coming, who feel its presence, are a different crowd than those who are focused on, say, their golf game (which i think is a fine distraction, since i play). but it is only a distraction. not a cure.

I already talked about denial in the intro, so i won't go there again, but even those of us who are Dedicated Self-Medicators (alcohol, in my case) can only deny it for so long. like i said, mine started at age 8. lots don't until their 40's. if you've hit your 60's and you're still not paying attention, then you are either crazy or brilliant, or drinking a *lot*.


So now i have to close, and i haven't even gotten to love, (or death, really). except to say that whatever literary wisdom i picked up from Barnes' book has been amazing. i mean, life changing. and i have read Fromme, and Rogers, and Freud, and Jung, and Maslow, Skinner, and on and on, so i'm not a beginner, and, like i said, i spent many years paying 120 bucks an hour to talk this through, with far less outcome.

Read the book yourself, and see if you don't agree.

Love. Have to get that. whew. what a mess, than one. talk about lying
to ourselves. NOT about love. just about what we do to protect ourselves
from it.

jdf

Start at the Beginning: The Big Lie

Ok. Here's the ground rules.

Everyone lies. All the time. Small lies, mostly, just to make it thru the day, to smooth things over at work, to skip a fight for no reason over dinner. Lies of ommision the most common.

Most psychologists recognize denial as a primary (and healthy, for the most part) coping mechanism for humans. Read "A Mind of One's Own" or "The Happiness Hypothesis" for the more friendly version, if you're not in the mood for Jung or Horney.

But not here.

Here you have to work.
Or I guess I should say, here *I* have to work.


So no lies. That's the challenge. If you want to post comments here on my blog, you have to not lie. You have to not leave anything out. You have to admit it all. And so do I.

It sound easy. And it sounds like its been done before. But that's why I started this blog. Because if its been done before, it certainly hasn't been done *enough*. There's just too much reward for lying. About most everything. You can get more money, more sex, more power, more of just about everything, by lying.

The key in that sentence, however, is "just". Just about everything.

Except intimacy. Or truth (self-evident, but truth has non-contexual value to me. I think (again, key word) that its "true" that there is no God. That truth has value to me, regardless of whether it's used for anything or not. And yes, I think there is a life force, but that's a long, LONG discussion.)

Anyway, I used to think "friends" was on that list, but now i'm not sure. I think I tell the truth to my friends, but honestly I think when I do really tell them the truth, is when i really start to lose them. I guess it depends on *which* truth(s) you tell them. Because you can't tell them ALL of the truths. "Wow, your ex is really hot, i'd love 10 minutes with her in a hot tub." Or "Shit! What were you thinking when you slept with THAT guy?" Or "I think we only catch up for dinner when you have this idea that you're not spending enough time with your friends."

Things like that. Things that never really get said. But here, yes.

Or at least, maybe.

But I never lied to Joey. Joey knew everything.

Hence the blog title.

But, this being the loss of my blog virginity, I also realize that this may put Joey Da Fish out of bounds for some important people in my life to whom i have not been 100% truthful. Then again, let's face it, we probably lie most often to those we love, since you can view lying (see: denial above) as a way of protecting them. But we know that we only do that to protect ourselves.

Life's a bitch sometimes, right?

So, tell it, and tell it all. That's my motto.

This week, anyway.